Letters from Larry

Published:  Monday, April 14, 2008 (1 month ago)
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by Larry Baum

One of the finest and least extolled aspects of life is condiments.
You don’t have to accept life or food as is because you can do it with condiments. Don’t laugh or snicker or be quick to judge as you will learn below that life without condiments can be a droll, drab and sometimes inedible experience.
Take the hot dog for instance. By itself, the hot dog would have achieved no great acclaim in this “difficult to achieve success” world. Like Lucy with Desi, a hot dog adorned with mustard, relish or sauerkraut can achieve compelling and complex flavors. Have you had a chili dog or chill-cheese dog? Call them condiment collaborations.
In Cincinnati and in Flint, Mich., they have unusual and unique versions of this food item as they take their chili dogs quite seriously indeed. In New York City, n’er do well entrepreneurs peddle Sabrett’s hot dogs with a red saucy spicy onion topping from mobile carts. Delicious.
I do live with a mid-western person who ketchups her hot dogs, as I have seen many do, but I cannot open my taste receptors to this approach. Laurie will have to explain in her rebuttal her claim that this is a judicious combination.
Now let us please, ladies and gentlemen, move on to the hamburger. Chopped beef on a bun — a wonderful American invention. At this time, I do not want to debate the extent a burger should be grilled or flame cooked. The proper orientation is charred on the outside and I’ll leave the inside decision to you. I like it rare as I am an extremist on this point. As for flavoring the beef, certainly garlic, salt, and pepper is basic and add the cheese (yellow American or mild cheddar is preferred) as another basic.
The incremental condiment possibilities are enormous. The “mayo” approach is excellent and with this add the salad selections of your choice. A slice of avocado or guacamole is a nice California touch and grilled onions are always appreciated on almost anything (although perhaps not with your morning cereal). A slice of Bermuda onion is a nice touch. Ketchup is a default standard but it’s not even necessary or required with the above. I do not want to discuss mustard on a burger. It is a condiment more appropriate for the hot dog as I have already mentioned. You may write in and fight me on this point if you must.
At Pink’s or The Hat (both great LA fast food joints) you might be moved to try pastrami and Swiss cheese on your hamburger. This is extremely daring, and while not an every day burger, it is outstanding, and is a condiment Hall of Fame classic. Chili on a burger can be sloppy but is tasty.
At the Jewish Deli (be aware, you will not find this in Lima) you are looking at many condiment opportunities. On pastrami or corned beef sandwiches, with the proper roll or rye bread, you can adorn potato salad or cole slaw. The proper side is 1000 Island dressing; however mustard will do (deli yellow style, slightly spicy).
Chopped liver on the sandwich would not be considered a condiment ordinarily, although it is a fantastic meat choice.
If you have a hot potato latke (pancake) the appropriate side is cold, clean applesauce.
I must mention now the “pickle.” You can pickle just about anything: banana peppers, jalapenos, onions, tomatoes, and of course cucumbers. Chow Chow and other combinations are interesting and tasteful condiment concoctions. The pickles can be garlic seasoned, sweet, new (in brine and jarred and pasteurized and to market) or fermented in vats for a month. My pickle knowledge might be a little more advanced than most as I was the Vlasic quality manager for five years.
With lamb comes mint jelly; with roast beef the au jus; with pancakes the maple syrup; with bagels comes cream cheese; with French fries you dip ketchup; and with baked potato you paint on butter and add sour cream
At a Chinese restaurant you have some basic condiments to learn: hot Chinese mustard, extreme hot chili sauce, crispy noodles, and sweet duck and salty soy sauce. If you go sushi then you add the ginger and green super hot paste.
When witnessing my artistic condiment applications at a Houston Chinese buffet that we fancied, my friend Alan anointed me “the condiment king” and I am revealing this to my Delphos readership as part of full disclosure at this time.
To summarize, dear condiment connoisseurs, a day without condiments is a day without sunshine. While you might enjoy a rainy day now and then, I would not want a steady diet of it. Thus, bring on the sunshine; bring on the diversity of condiments the world has to offer and bon appétit.

1 Reader Response to “Letters from Larry”

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  1. #1 — Added 3 weeks, 1 day ago

    Ah….my mouth is watering. Lets give the hot dog one more taste treat. In West Virginia and SE Ohio they serve slaw dogs. These are chili dogs topped with cole slaw, and served with or without cheese. I thought they were crazy until I tasted one. Not bad…not bad at all. Y’all will have to try one. Happy eating!

    Posted on April 24, 2008 at 2:03 pm by Sandra Kohorst Dennis